The Apocrophon of Evangelion
by Deus Letalis
Summary: A grand old fic, a retelling of Neon Genesis with Kaworu present throughout the story - the main story is not yet written to any serious extent, but there are many vignettes, which I shall post here as I find them.
1. Explanation

I know many of you must read these little stories and be quite, quite confused ^^ These vignettes do not take their background from canon, original Evangelion, but rather the as yet unfinished (barely started, in fact) fanfic 'The Apocrophon of Evangelion', by myself and Guardian. It's plot mirrors the plot of the original quite closely, with key differences, some rationalization of several concepts, plus Kaworu is in it throughout, and in an extremely odd (and unlikely?) romance with Asuka. He is all but unaware of his true nature through much of the story, being just another pilot, but near the end, of course, he begins to go all… angely. Hopefully we can get a proper chapter of the fic up soon, in which case I will delete this little explanation.

Thanks, and please the review the vignettes if you read them!

-Deus Letalis 


	2. Vignette Anata to Watashi

Anata to Watashi 

****

Pain, nothing but pain, and the taste of blood in her mouth… Asuka cuddled herself uselessly, her eyes closed... it was over, it was all over. She had lost, for good.

_Ripped apart..._

The new Evas... she had defeated them, she had killed them all, all but one... it wasn't fair.

_The red Eva lay broken on a barren field, all it's armour ripped off, its flesh and bones bared to the air, huge organs hanging out onto the ground... spears pierced it everywhere, enough to kill even the berserker spirit of the Eva and the pilot inside._

No one loved her, no one could save her, everything was gone, they had lost, Nerv had lost. And yet she was still alive, still kicking, unable to die... even her mother had left her again.

_Events progressed far above the fallen Eva... the sephiroth was completed, Lillith rose, and Shinji surrendered._

She was utterly alone.

_"Tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down..."_

No one loved her, no one cared if she existed or not, she had nothing; she was nothing – there was nothing.

_"It all returns to nothing."_

"No one loves me... no one wants me..." Asuka murmured to herself through the haze of pain.

"_Someone loves you._"

That voice… so calm, too calm... she saw a light, in the eye that wasn't blind, she couldn't be seeing a light, her power was gone, there could be no light. She sat up, a masochistic action, causing an eruption of pain across her entire body... peering through the LCL, the fluid clouded by her own blood, she reached out. "Who?"

"_I love you._"

He was there. Standing there, in her plug, and yet not there... he was at a beach, a nice beach, white sand, blue water, crashing waves. He wore his school uniform, black pants, white shirt, and stupid orange undershirt... his hands were in his pockets, and his back was too her. 

"... Kaworu!?" Asuka blinked, and he was still there... and she wasn't in her dark plug anymore, in her dead Eva, she was standing with him on the beach, she could feel the sand under her bare feet… her plugsuit was gone, she was wearing her little yellow dress and she was barefoot. The pain was gone as well, she was whole, her body no longer ached, and her soul no longer echoed it.

He turned to face her, a smile on his face, his red eyes kind... he held out his pale hand, and bowed slightly. "Ja."

She stepped towards him, and took his hand, it was warm… this was impossible. Kaworu was dead, she was dead... it was all wrong. And yet… she didn't want it to be wrong. It didn't FEEL wrong. "Kaworu..."

He wrapped his long arms around her, held her protectively close.  She looked up at him, and he smiled down... she whispered, fearfully. "Kaworu, how..."

"Shhhh..." He stroked her back gently – his voice was soothing, calming, so even, so soft... "You'll understand it all, soon enough... you can rest, now. There's no one left to fight." 

"I… can't rest, Kaworu. Not now..." Asuka clenched her fists, and pushed him away firmly. "I have to win."

He frowned... and as he frowned, the beach changed... emptiness reigned, the sea was ugly and dark, the sky was filled with harsh white light, the sand was jagged and rough. "It's useless to win a battle when the war is already lost."

_"It all returns to nothing, I just keep letting me down letting me down letting me down…"_

"NO!" She screeched. "It's not lost, it can't be lost. I won't lose! I can't let myself lose."

He smiled again, the nice yellow sun shone and all was good again. "You are strong, Asuka... but it is over, for better or worse, it is over. The fighting is done."  

Asuka shook her head, endlessly, tears flowing down her cheeks. "No… please..."

"Asuka... liebling." He embraced her again, firmer this time. "I love you."

"No one loves me."

"_I_ love you."

He kissed her, softly, brushing his lips across hers... she wrapped her arms around him feverishly, and kissed him harder, clinging to him tight... for a brief, perfect moment, they were one... then she broke the kiss. "Ich liebe dich, Kaworu..." Her face shone, her eyes sparkled, her smile was bright... and it was over.

_*Pop*... the LCL in the broken plug thickened slightly, and all that was left inside was an empty plugsuit, red like blood and battle._

_Hallelujah and Goodnight._


	3. Fragment First and Final

**The First and Final**

The descent was easy… gravity had no hold on Kaworu, if he did not want it to, he went further and further down, never falling, just willing himself to slowly descend... the red Evangelion went down with him, clinging to the linear train used to lower supplies and equipment into terminal dogma, every once in awhile, it's feet contacted a bulkhead, and Kaworu induced it to kick, hard, smashing through... the poor thing, he could feel it's pain, struggling against it's restraints – he could hardly believe he had once participated in the piloting of Evangelions, it was an atrocity. It was horrible - it was unforgivable.

_It was your life; it was your liebling's life..._

But it hadn't been... his life had been a lie. He had grown thinking he was a human, an unusual one, but human... but it was wrong, he was just playing at being a human - his existence was flawed. Now that his false life was unneeded, he had nothing left to live for in the human world. Now he could act in a manner true to his soul, now he was...

_An angel, the enemy._

Kaworu looked upward, murmured to himself. "What's keeping you, Shinji-kun?"

The second drive started up, route two was operating... something else was descending in the shaft. Finally. He sensed... a lot of anger, of rage over a perceived betrayal. Lillum were so complicated...

The purple and black Eva came into view, rapidly approaching... Kaworu smiled. "I've been waiting for you, Shinji-kun." He spoke softly, but his voice carried...

"Kaworu!" Shinji spoke in the plug, and his voice was projected from loudspeakers within his Eva. A mere thought from Kaworu, and the red Eva, Asuka's Eva, locked grips with his as it came within range. Shinji murmured, his voice still being broadcast. "Sorry, Asuka-san..." 

Shinji's Eva pulled out its progressive knife, and Kaworu had the red one to do the same. They grappled, and Kaworu sighed. "The Eva series, born of Adam, their existence should be loathsome to humans. Why lillum would use it... I do not understand." 

The red Eva stabbed at the head of Shinji's, but he parried the blow, he had gotten quite skilled… sparks flew, dancing down into the depths of the shaft. He spoke again, voice desperate. "Kaworu-kun, STOP, please, why are you doing this!?"

Kaworu frowned, and answered the question vaguely. "Eva and I have the same body, as I am also born of Adam. All that is born of Adam must return to Adam. The soul of this unit has shut itself away..."

Asuka's red Eva deflected Shinji's blade, hard, and his Eva's arm was thrown back... the blade approached Kaworu, but he effortlessly blocked it... a shimmering field, alive with sparks as the progressive knife attempted to saw through it, materialized in front of him. Shinji gasped. "An AT field..."

Absolute Terror Field, such a strange name for something so integral to the human world - Gabriel had explained it all to him – now, as a final service, he would explain it to Shinji. "Hai. That is what you lillum call it. A sacred space inviolate to anyone -the light of the soul… you lillum are aware of that, aren't you? The AT field is the barrier around the heart that everyone has. Everyone has an AT field!"

Shinji's voice was despairing. "I don't understand, Kaworu-kun!"

No, no, of course he wouldn't. How could he? Kaworu was aware that he was being monitored – he could just see Misato in the command centre, giving orders, preparing last ditch plans should Shinji fail… and he would, too. A nagging pang, human emotion, guilt, struck him.

_That woman, possibly the one you've heard the most... you destroyed all that was important to her in this world._

She couldn't stop him now - it was over. He silenced the inner voice, the false voice, the lillum nature forced upon him by his life. The final bulkhead between him and his target approached, and his Eva thrall was too busy to penetrate it for him – no matter. He closed his eyes, to concentrate, and to blink away the tears that welled up in his eyes, for reasons he could no longer fathom. He murmured to himself. "Is this people's fate? People's hopes are bound with sadness..." He breathed out...

The whole base shook... both Evas were shaken off their precarious perches on the linear trains, and the bulkhead beneath him twisted and burst downward as he spread his AT field to it's full potential. Kaworu descended.. he floated down from a hole in the ceiling and landed gently on a small island of solid ground in the midst of a massive lake of LCL - the room was freezing cold inside, and contained huge ice pillars, formed from water dripping from the ceiling over many years. 

The Evas fell heavily into the LCL, Shinji's recovered first, and began to move after him. "Kaworu!"

Kaworu looked back at them a moment, more damnable lillum feelings arising in his heart... steeling himself, he prompted Asuka's red Eva, and it grabbed the ankle of Shinji's, pulling him back. Hovering a few inches off the ground, Kaworu proceeded towards the large metal door set into one wall of the icy chamber.

"Wait, please!"

Focusing his power, Kaworu glanced at the electronic lock, and silenced it, neutralizing all electron flow within it's components for a few moments – the lights on the lock blinked out, then came back on, green instead of red, and the door opened. 

_Heaven's Door opened, time for Lillum's finale. _

He moved forward, to his destiny… he felt his AT field collapse, another field neutralizing it perfectly. She had decided to make an appearance. How strange... in any case, she no longer mattered, and the field was no longer necessary. Moving forward, he looked up – there, on a cross, was his goal… Adam. Floating upwards, he stared the source of his existence in the face. "Adam, progenitor ours..." This was it, the final moment... he felt... he felt sick.

_The end, the end of it all, you'll never see your liebling again, or tease Shinji._

He could feel, in the back of his head, the expectation of Seele – those who had raised him, those who had arranged for his glorious return to source. Asuka was spoilt, Shinji was his enemy now, they all were. He had nothing left in the world. He took a deep breath, and prepared to finish it all. 

_Wait a moment..._

Kaworu stared closely at this monstrosity in front of him – the bulbous white giant with the mask marked with Seele's symbol. It felt... wrong. He did not feel welcome, he felt no warmth in his heart, quite the opposite – he felt… loathing. This was not Adam. He had been tricked. 

"This is… Lillith! I see - I understand lillum now." Kaworu turned, looking through the open door. Seele... had lied. Suddenly, he knew what had to be done – and who had to do it.

_My life has been truly meaningless. _

Shinji's Eva crashed into the chamber, wrestling down it's red hued opponent – his progressive knife had been thrust through it's head, it should be dormant, but Kaworu's will kept it fighting – with a sigh, he released it, and it slumped to the icy floor. Shinji reached out with the Eva's huge hand, and Kaworu felt it wrap around him. He did not resist. "Thank you, Shinji-kun... I am glad you are here. Otherwise, I would have gone on living with her..."

Shinji's voice, sounding quite sad, came out of the Eva's loudspeaker. "Kaworu... why?"

_Indeed, why?_

Kaworu looked up at the Eva's fearsome face, but in his mind, he saw Shinji within, looking lost, as usual, the poor boy. "It is my destiny to go on living, to fulfill their task, even though... it means the end of humanity. They… have lost sight of what being human truly is. They are wrong... and I must die here. Shinji... life and death are equal to me, now.  My own death – that will be my absolute liberty.

_From guilt over murdering your friend, from heartache – blank nothingness, the only escape now._

Shinji's voice was desperate; he sounded like he was crying. "Nani? Kaworu-kun, I don't understand what you're saying! Kaworu-kun!" 

"My final testament." Kaworu was the last of the angels, his death would mean the end of his race – and perhaps, that was for the best. "Now, erase me, or be yourself erased. I will not be responsible for bringing about this mad annihilation, and you must not die." Kaworu turned his gaze upward, far upward, past Shinji's Eva, to a platform high on the chamber wall – there was his little invader, who had finally shown her true colours and collapsed his field. Short pale hair, equally pale skin, red eyes, so like him, and yet so different. She looked blank, as usual. Kaworu felt a pang of sadness...

_What could have been, if fate was not so cruel to us both? Sayonara, my little Rei-chan._

He smiled, looking into the Eva's eyes once more. "All of you need a future." He felt the Eva's massive fingers twitch, Shinji was very nervous, afraid, and confused. "Arigatou, Shinji-kun. It am happy to have met you."

A long pause, silence...

_Sayonara, Misato-chan, I could never make up what I did to Kaji, and to you... I hope this helps..._

More silence, Rei watched the scene, Shinji was hesitating, deep in thought.

_Sayonara, Asuka-chan... liebling, omaechan, my love… I hope you can be happy one day._

Silence...

_Sayonara, Seele, father. Sorry, Keel… you lose._

The  Eva squeezed it's hand... a wet splash of blood, the splash of the angel's head falling into the LCL below... and it was over. 

_The first and final angel, Tabris, Nagisa Kaworu... terminated. The angel war was won._


	4. Vignette The Tree of Life and Wisdom

The Apocryphon of Evangelion Inside the Tree of Wisdom and Life – The New Crowned God 

****

Shinji cowered… darkness, horror, all around him. Asuka was gone, the monsters killed her, and now they would surely kill him... burying his face in his hands, within the darkness of the entry plug, he muttered to himself, knowing no one could hear him.

"I give up... I give up… I give up..."

Misato was dead, Asuka was dead... Rei was… gone, and only this massive white effigy remained... and the monsters, Asuka's murderers, looked like her too, horribly, the wounds Asuka had given them still showed, on Rei's lovely features. What was this?

"I give up, I give up, I give up..."

Something answered… a familiar voice, soft, almost a whisper. "It doesn't matter…"

Shinji looked up... Kaworu was there… giant white Kaworu, but Kaworu none the less. "Are… you a ghost? Kaworu-kun, you're here too?"

Kaworu just smiled... huge white hands, each larger then his Eva many times over, reached out for him, as it to hug him... Shinji closed his eyes blissfully... he didn't even feel it as the longinius lance invaded his Eva, and transformed it... wrapping around it's exterior, morphing 01 into a new form, a giant cross, the tree of life and wisdom – the 18th angel. He opened his eyes for a moment, as the change completed… Kaworu became Rei once more, in a flash.

Rei's sweet voice echoed through his head, and she had absorbed Kaworu's ever-present smile. "These eyes, your own heart… your wishes… as it is right now, what do you wish for?"

Shinji closed his eyes, and pondered...

Sorrow

It was many years ago... Shinji, a little boy of six, played in the sandbox with the two neighbour children, in the park... 

"Shinji-kun! Try harder, we need to finish this."

I thought if I came here I would find answers... this is the day I started playing the cello.

Shinji nodded, and patted down the sand with renewed effort... the sand pyramid they had been made rose higher and higher... but., just as they were about to finish...

"My mommy's here! I have to go." His two companions stood and ran off to their mother, who beckoned in the distance… they giggled, they were so happy. 

Left alone, Shinji diligently completed the top of the pyramid... and then, in a fit of spite, stood up, and stomped it down, to nothing... clenching his fists, he left the park, to return to his own lonely home, where he lived with his teacher, who would never go to the park with him, never do anything but feed him... he supposed he should be grateful, but...

I had no mother to go home to, and no father either. One dead in body, one dead in heart... Is it any wonder I hurt so much? I took up the cello, so I'd have an excuse to not go out and play anymore, I had to practice... there are no answers here, only more sadness.

**Envy**

Flashes, images in his mind... Asuka. Asuka Asuka Asuka. Did he love Asuka? Did Asuka love him? He saw her, asking him to kiss her, laying next to him, but calling for her mother. Mother...

"In the end I couldn't become Shinji's mother."

Shinji found himself, suddenly staring at a scene he would rather not see – two people, a man and a woman, were in bed, together. The room around them was horrendously messy, empty food containers, full ashtrays, about a dozen fans going, blowing the dust and ash around in small whirlwinds. The woman spoke, and he recognized the voice.

"Mmmm, let's do it..." Misato... but not the Misato he knew.

"I have some other things to do today..." Kaji...

"Jeez, it doesn't matter, there's still time..."

"Are you for real? I'm really tired."

"Come on, don't be like that."

Movement beneath the sheets, soft cries from Misato, rougher ones from Kaji. Shinji's eyes narrowed, in disgust... or was it jealousy? Did he want to be in Kaji's place?

Misato spoke again, in between her other, more sensual (and horrific, to Shinji) noises. "I just want to prove my own existence. But I'm doing this sort of thing..."

Asuka's voice. Was she there too? "Baka... they're just two lonely adults comforting each other."

Ritsuko's voice. Just how many people watching this? "Even though it's just physical, it's still a need."

Shinji continued to stare, standing impossibly at their bedside... he had heard, third hand through Asuka, about this situation – back in their college days, when Misato and Kaji had skipped a week of classes in order to do… this. 

"I feel like an adult now. That makes me excited." Misato stated rather plainly. 

"This way, I can make myself feel worthy." Asuka added, materializing at the foot of their bed, as Shinji watched from the side.

Shinji thought to himself… Because of that… Misato would do that sort of thing? He stared at the blood stained cross, her cross, still in his hand.

Misato's voice, in his head. Yes this is me, the heart of an adult. The me Shinji doesn't know.

"But you want to know, don't you Shinji-kun? Even though it might hurt you, you want to see." A new voice... a sense of presence, behind him, a pale hand on his shoulder. Kaworu. 

"Kaworu-kun... I think… I do."

The scene, Kaji and Misato on the bed, faded, disappeared... Shinji saw Asuka, speaking with Misato as she got dressed – why was Misato dressing in front of Asuka?

"I suppose soon I'll be doing what you and Kaji have been doing." Asuka sat at a table, looking downtrodden, and rather dishevelled. 

Misato pulled her shirt down over her head, stretching... she was sweaty, what was going on? Had Misato and Asuka been... "It's not something kids should do..."

Asuka's face brightened somewhat – a challenge.

Shinji blinked, as his vision became blurred again, that incident moving past his vision. "What is this?"

Kaworu spoke again, still behind him. "The truth, Shinji. The truth of other's hearts."

"Truth..."

His vision cleared. Asuka was there, in the main room of Misato's apartment, holding cards, across a pot of nuts, looking annoyed, as always. And Kaworu was no longer behind him, he was in the scene.

"I see your macadamia," Asuka purred, "and I raise you three hazelnuts."

Asuka and Kaworu were playing poker for nuts. When had this happened? They didn't get along, did they? Where was Shinji himself? He wished he had been there, he'd never played cards, never done anything like that, even with friends.

"Fold again." Kaworu put his hand down and smiled at her amiably. "I think you've exhausted my card-playing abilities, Asuka. You should try Misato."

"Huh!" Asuka looked distinctly unimpressed with the thought, putting her cards down and tossing one of her cracked winnings into her mouth. "She'sh onlysh good at cardsh 'caush – " chew, chew, swallow – "she used to play in bars an' take her top off and things."

"Really?"   
  
"Educated guess." Asuka leant back. "God, where _is _everybody?"

Shinji was wondering that himself. Where was HE?

It was the sort of rainy, dreary afternoon that Tokyo-3 was famous for. Though everything was sterile concrete grey normally, the endless patter of rain darkened the city into an even more depressing amalgamation of grey. 

Kaworu shrugged. "Not back yet. Want me to turn on the lights and make some tea? It's getting dark."

"Okay." The redhead gave a deep, long-suffering sigh. "I'm so _bored_. I wish I had something to do. I wish an angel would attack."

"You could clean the kitchen," Kaworu suggested dryly, smiling at her. It wasn't his usual smile. Shinji had never seen him smile at her like that, and the look in his eyes... what was this?

Truth 

"I'm not touching that kitchen without rubber gloves and a nuclear suit. Yuck. That microwave is positively fetid."

"It's seen a lot of use."

"Agreed. Mainly for the brand companies that Katsuragi single-handedly supports."

"You must admit microwaved curry is a taste sensation."

"The kind of sensation I could do without." Asuka looked out the window and rested her head on her hands, moving into a half-lying position on the couch. "I hate the rain."

Kaworu set the kettle to bubbling merrily and came and stood behind her. "I've always rather liked it. It's musical."

"Odd music for you to like. You only like listening to songs by guys who are dead."

"The most beautiful music written in history," the grey-haired boy defended it. "Written by men who had vision."

"Visions of what cats would sound like if you sewed up their bum, I bet."

Kaworu looked ready to argue further, but shrugged. "You've never even listened to it."

"I have." Happily diverted, Asuka rolled over, piercing him with her arresting blue-grey eyes. Shinji's own eyes widened – she'd used that look on him once or twice, like when she had kissed him, but Kaworu... it couldn't be. "Usually at three AM when you can't sleep and have your walkman on, I might add."

"Do you have any musical blood in your body?"

"No." She sounded quite definite on the subject. "I think it was bled out of me after eight years of musical training."

"Really?" He perked up slightly. "You play?"

"The piano, the flute, and the violin. Oh, and the kazoo."

"What grade?"

"Eight, of course. With honours. I even have my flute and violin here somewhere, though a piano's a little hard to transport. Though I haven't exactly had any exams on the kazoo. You can make one out of a comb and tissue paper, if you like. Why are you looking at me like an anorexic lion looks at a freshly dead gazelle?"

"I… play."

"What, the kazoo?"

"No, the viola."

"Oh." She stretched lazily. "Well, at least we know you can support yourself after we destroy the Angels. You can stand on the street corner. Will Play For Food. God, what's all of our obsession with stringed instruments? Me with a violin, Shinji plays the cello, you a viola – give Rei another violin and we'd have a damn quartet. She'd play something completely weird, though, you know Rei. I bet she plays the flugelhorn. And – aagh! What do you want?"

"Where's your violin?"

"Storage. Somewhere in my excuse for a room. Why?"

"Would you like to tune up?"

She gave a sort of half-shrug in response to his bright eyes, as if possibly she was not unopen to the offer.

"Please?"

Asuka appraised him. Kaworu may have been a very nice person at times, but he was never one to beg. And there was something in his eyes – something bright spark red – that made her feel for a moment that yes, even in Tokyo-3, life still bloomed. Shinji appraised him as well – he looked so eager, so genuine. Shinji had never looked like that, he was sure, never felt like that. He didn't love anything enough. 

"… Okay."

Shinji watched, mutely, as they went and got their respective instruments... Kaworu complimented Asuka's violin, and he pulled out his viola... they tuned up the strings, and then proceeded to play, together. Asuka struggled to keep up with Kaworu, he was immensely skilled, even Shinji realized, his eyes closed, playing his favourite song from a memory deeply ingrained from countless times hanging on every note. Ode to Joy. Shinji realized that he had never recognized just how deep music ran in Kaworu's soul – Shinji himself listened to music constantly, but it was more to drive away his darker thoughts, to help him forget his situation, which he always saw as something to run from... with the revelation, not long ago, that Kaworu's situation was infinitely odder and more troubling then his own, Shinji couldn't understand how he could take such happiness in his life. It didn't make any sense.

Asuka seemed impressed as well... as she played along with him, a half bar behind quite often, not knowing the song half as well as her partner, Shinji saw her eyes grow admiring – another rare look, he had never seen in her before. Why wasn't she jealous? She was always jealous of him. 

_Baka Shinji! Because he worked for what he's good at, and you just came up and were the best of all. It wasn't fair, I had worked for years to be a pilot..._

Her voice berated him, from somewhere in his heart – he knew the answer, but he couldn't realize it himself, at least, not before.

Their playing finished, the song was done… Kaworu put down his viola, Asuka tucked her violin back in the case. They stood in silence a moment... then Kaworu spoke, smiling, and with genuine admiration in his voice. "You're really good, you know." 

Asuka smiled too. "I know."

Another pause. Then they kissed. A soft kiss, at first, but it grew, and became harder, messier. Shinji tried to close his eyes as Asuka's arms flew around Kaworu's shoulders, but he could still see it, even with his eyes closed. He couldn't turn away, he had to watch... clothes were discarded, more kisses were exchanged... and Shinji watched in mute shock and horror as Kaworu deflowered Asuka on Misato's couch... he heard their mixed cries, saw her bleed as he entered her, saw the pain go away, and her grip on him tighten. It was impossible... had this really happened?

When it was over, and the two rested together, nude, and glowing with sweat and passion, Asuka murmured, nuzzling into Kaworu's neck. "Ich liebe dich..."

Kaworu smiled, as usual… he stroked her back softly with his large, pale hand. "I love you too, Asuka."

Tears flowed unheeded down Shinji's cheeks. This was worse then watching Misato... he had known about that, expected it – after all, she was twenty-nine. But Asuka, and Kaworu? How could this be?

"We should get cleaned up. Misato will come back soon, and Shinji, probably..." Kaworu slipped away from Asuka, grabbing his clothes from the floor.

Asuka laughed, stretching back, nude, on the couch... she looked so pleased, so... satiated, so… happy. "Am I to be your little secret mistress then, mister Nagisa-sama?" 

He winked. "Maybe. I don't think we should be too open about this, anyway."

She furrowed her brow and pouted, sitting up and grabbing her panties. "Why not?"

He winked at her, pulling on his shorts. "It'll make it more fun!"

Asuka laughed. "True! Come to my room tonight."

Kaworu nodded. "Hai."

They kissed again, and the image blurred… Shinji was alone in the red tinted darkness again. He remembered, now, that day... it was just after Zereul, just after he had been recovered from his Eva... he had been in hospital, Misato had been looking after him, they had been alone – and when he came back at last, Asuka and Kaworu had been always smiling at each other... he had sworn he had caught them holding hands a few times, though they quickly covered it and stuck their offending hands under cushions or behind their backs. Then, Arael had attacked, and Asuka... was for no one, and Kaworu had become very sad. How could Shinji have been so blind?

Horror 

"You blind yourself from the truth which hurts you and wrap yourself in a blanket of comforting lies." Kaworu's voice again. That which once had brought him endless comfort in his darkest time now angered him.

"How could you, Kaworu-kun?" Shinji sobbed. "I... I trusted you. Asuka..."

"Was never yours to begin with."

"She kissed me."

"She fucked me."

"Kaworu-kun! Why?"

The darkness cleared… Shinji felt a crushing grip close around his body, and his feet left the ground – he was in a huge white hand, and he stared up... into the face of an Eva. One of the horrible, white Eva's that had killed Asuka, complete with wings, without eyes... it's hideous jaws opened, and it spoke – with Kaworu's voice.

"In Judaeo-Christian lore, angels and demons are largely interchangeable, you know." The huge hand squeezed slightly, Shinji felt his bones strain. His eyes widened – he knew this position. This is just like... when Kaworu died.

With that thought, the situation immediately reversed – he was in his Eva again, holding Kaworu's fragile form in his hand. Kaworu stared up at him – but his smile was gone and his eyes glowed. He spoke again. "I could have destroyed you here, but I felt sorry for you, and… I didn't want her to die."

Kaworu smiled again, and both he and Shinji were normal once more, standing and facing one another. The angel took Shinji's hand, and pressed it to his lips. "I exist in a state outside humanity, Shinji-kun. I saw her heart as clearly as I saw her face, and I knew the emptiness and sorrow there. I tried to fill it. I think, perhaps, I failed, but I love Asuka none the less. Do you?"

Shinji angrily snatched his hand back. "You're… you're an angel! You can't love... her like me."

"You don't love her."

"I need her!"

"She doesn't need you."

"Kaworu! GO AWAY! I HATE YOU!" Shinji fell to his knees, sobbing, clutching his head. 

"I hate me too." Shinji looked up at Kaworu... but he was gone… a montage of images showed, and Shinji watched in horror. He saw Kaworu's birth… from a tube, saw Fuyutsuki pull him away from falling rubble, away from the shattered glass of his artificial womb, as the second impact raged... saw him as a toddler, at Gendou's side, with his mother, with... him. Had they been friends, so long ago, when Shinji was barely more then an infant? 

He saw later, after Yui had died, and Shinji was sent away, with Ayanami... so alike, those two, and yet so different... he saw them talk, and play tag through the Gehirn base, and other childish things... saw them go on a fateful picnic, to the hills, saw them kiss, a child's kiss, and him give her a small bundle of flowers, one he picked himself. Then…

_He saw a woman, familiar and yet not familiar… Ritsuko's mother, he realized. And he saw young Rei, her little throat clutched in the woman's hands as she strangled the life out of her... it didn't take her long, poor Rei soon stopped struggling, and slumped to the floor as Akagi Naoko dropped her, and looked up, hearing the door open. And then he saw Kaworu, at the doorway, having arrived too late to save Rei._

_Young Kaworu charged, and struck the surprised doctor with the full force of his small body... she stumbled backwards, and flipped over the guard rail... her scream echoed in Shinji's ears, followed by a wet, horrible thump as she struck the hard metal floor far below. Kaworu… had killed her._

_Then he saw his father, lifting Rei's small corpse over his shoulder carefully as Kaworu knelt and cried. He reached out with his gloved hand, and patted the boy's shoulder. _

_"Good work, Kaworu."_

_And then they took him away._

He saw Kaworu presented to Seele in Germany, saw the black monoliths surrounding him, and saw him speak to them, though he could not hear it.

Shinji knew very little about Seele, and all of the things he knew were bad. He saw Kaworu giving them reports, and them giving him orders – the whole time he had been in Tokyo-3, he had been their spy. And as a spy, it was his duty to eliminate any other spies that might show up.

_"Misato-chan? What took you so long?"_

_"Iie, Kaji-san, it's not Misato."_

_Shinji blinked. He saw Kaji, facing a security panel... and behind him, aiming a gun at his head, was Kaworu. _

_Kaji turned slowly, his hands raised, his goofy grin still on his face. "My my. I must have screwed up seriously this time, for Seele to send their own begotten son after me._

Kaworu's mouth twisted angrily, and his eyes hardened. "You know what I am, and why I'm here." 

_Kaji nodded, still smiling. "You're Nagisa Kaworu, and you're here to kill me because I've learnt too much. Get on with it."_

_"I... I don't want to." _

_"I know."_

_Kaworu sighed. "Please Kaji-san. Run away, push me down, wrestle the gun away and shoot me... do anything but this, don't just accept it, you have so much to live for..."_

_"Do I? No salvation for spies, Kaworu, you know that. Eventually this was bound to happen. At least I can take solace that you won't enjoy it." Kaji stared at him steadily, hands still raised._

_Kaworu's hands shook, the gun wavering up and down. "I… can't."_

_Kaji laughed. "You can. You're Seele's insurance policy."_

_"I… I have to." Kaworu steadied his hands. "Please.. run, Kaji, get out of here, change your name, go far away, where even the old men can't find you, don't... don't give up."_

_"I gave up the minute I started unlocking the secrets of Seele, Kaworu. It's over for me." Kaji turned around again, so his back was facing him, and closed his eyes. "Just end it."_

_Kaworu stared at Kaji's back, the gun aimed... he stared for some time, and then he pulled the trigger._

**_Bang._**

Shinji gasped. "You killed Kaji-san!?"

Kaworu nodded, alone with Shinji in the darkness once more. "I did."

"H.. how could you?"

"I had to." Kaworu looked steadily at Shinji. "Sometimes we have to things we don't want to do. I hate myself for it... but I had no choice. And... I died for it. I am not stronger then you Shinji, I merely do not lie to myself. Remember that." He shrugged, turned his back, and vanished... Shinji was left alone. 

Tumbling Down 

But not for long. Soon, he found himself standing beside Asuka – she was at a table, looking like she was about to cry. He glared at her. "Asuka, how could you..."

"I don't answer to you, don't talk to me." Asuka tangled her hands in her hair, leaning down into the table, burying her face in the smooth plastic of its surface.

"I need you Asuka, help me!" Shinji begged.

She stood, suddenly, knocking the chair over with the violence of it… kicking his shins, then punching his chest, she berated him. "You never wanted me! You just seek the route that would hurt the least! Misato and Ayanami were too scary to you, so you settle on me! I don't want that, I don't want you!"

Shinji fell back under her assault. "Please…"

She knocked him back against the counter that held the coffee pot... it fell over, steaming coffee spilling across the floor, hissing at it touched the element… Asuka pushed him, and he went down… he felt the coffee burn his arm and side as he landed on it... desperate, he stared up at her as she gazed coldly down at him – this slut who had teased him only to be with another man, why did he want her so desperately? "Please… help me."

"Iie." She said, simply.

Shinji stood... and lunged... his hands wrapped around Asuka's throat, and he lifted her off the floor, squeezing. She choked and gasped for air… and everything was nothing.

_I know, I know I've let you down..._

_I've been a fool to myself..._

_I thought that I could live for no one else._

_But now, through all the hurt and pain._

_It's time for me to respect…_

_The ones who loved me more then anything._

_So with sadness in heart, feel the best thing I could do,_

_Is end it all, and leave forever._

_What's done is done it feels so bad,_

_What once was happy now is sad._

_I'll never love again, my world is ending._

_I wish, that I could turn back time.._

_Because now the guilt is all mine.._

_Can't live without the trust from those you love…_

_I know, we can't forget the past,_

_You can't forget love and pride, because of that it's killing me inside._

It all returns to nothing… 

_It all comes tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down…_

_It all returns to nothing…_

_I just keep letting me down, letting me down, letting me down._

In my heart of hearts, I know that I can never love again… 

_I've lost everything… _

_Everything…_

_Everything that matters to me matters in this world…_

**The End (Both of the story and the world)**


End file.
